Marriage: The Great Compromise
During AP US History (subtle flex that I’m smart), my friend and I were obsessed with Henry Clay. We thought he was the greatest American figure who didn’t get nearly enough recognition.
He was known as “The Great Compromiser”, who kept the country from falling apart before she even got her footing.
I bring this up because I idealize this man — yet I am the furthest thing from a compromiser.
Sure, on the little things, like someone else’s bar recommendation or vacation spot. But the big stuff? Heck no.
And I just realized, after being engaged for roughly 9 months, that I am not totally in charge of my life anymore.
Strong, independent women who just gasped — hear me out. Of course I’m still in charge of my life and my choices.
But the way I envision marriage, it’s a we — career changes, moves, new throw pillows — those all affect my partner as well as me. If they don’t it could spell disaster — or divorce.
My fiancé has an extremely sweet and sentimental godmother. She told me that she thought we would have a strong marriage because we’re stronger together than we are individually.
The sum is more than the parts.
And now I’m really thinking about that. I don’t think it means we fit together like Lego pieces. It’s more like we’re clumps of clay, glommed together hoping to make a usable piece of pottery. to
Imagine Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in Ghost….
Too much?
I’m laughing at myself for being a smug little jerk, essentially. I have a friend who I worry (read: judge) hasn’t had the big life talks with her boyfriend and here I am, totally thrown by the fact my fiancé hates the idea of moving to my hometown and suggested going out west.
West?? Like cowboys?? Because I am NOT going to California and neither is his pasty-ass.
I don’t know how to veer off my set course, it is an absolutely agonizing process for me.
Example, a few weeks, ago Austin asked me to go for drinks with his friends. Initially I was going to have a night alone in the apartment but he really wanted me to get to know them.
I had a near breakdown. The interruption to my plans combined with the loss of alone time and forced social interaction was more than I could bear.
It took a full 20 minutes of negotiating with myself to change my plans.
I eventually caved because Austin asks for so little from me, and this was one of those few times.
He really asks for nothing — his biggest demand is cheese crackers or a bottle of rose from the grocery store, but that’s it.
I make six demands before I’ve even had my coffee.
But that’s not how big life choices are going to go. Where we settle down, what we name our kids, where we prioritize our money? We, we, we….
I understand that this is something with which every married couple is grappling.
I am not special or unique, and that’s actually a really good thing. (A shocking admittance my parents would gasp at!)
The reason it’s good is because I get to ask married people how they do it. How they chose to settle down somewhere neither of them was from, what were the ramifications in their marriage, the resulting power plays.
My mom never pictured leaving Pittsburgh. 30+ years later, it still comes up as a sore spot and I used to get mad at her for that.
But now I’m starting to see her side more, she made a big sacrifice and that isn’t easy to swallow, even if things turned out pretty well.
I’m afraid of change, I’ve always known that. But I look back at my life and there’s been a few times, I took fairly larges risks and they ended up being amazing. And whenever the next time, I have a buddy to do it with.
So what could go wrong? Right?
RIGHT???
