Are my checklists helping or hurting me?

I have that shriveled feeling after I’ve had a bad fight with my fiancé and possibly cried in my sleep.

It had to do with our upcoming wedding, and the sudden necessity to start choosing things like photographers and the band. It is over a year away, but the checklist has already begun and therein lies the problem: the checklist.

My reliance on these has been with me since I was a kid. We received assignment books in middle school to keep track of our homework and I’ve pretty much had one ever since.

I live by writing down the things I need to do. And while I’m organized, in theory, my handwriting leaves something to be desired.

I wish I was one of those people with perfect handwriting, evenly leveling out their lists with little checkboxes next to each task.

When I complete something, I cross it out. Violently. Jaggedly. Ink layering on the page, absolutely obliterating my task.

Even with these mini massacres, my checklist is never-ending. No task seems too large or too small to be thrown on the list. Whether it’s calling a doctor or my grandma, I’m always working to see if I can squeeze in just one more thing.

Back to the wedding planning. When I found out the competition between brides for the 2022 season was underway, I panicked and determined my list needed to get going ASAP.

However, my fiancé is very different from me. He moves through life looking at what’s in front of him and saves the small part of him that’s a planner for work.

He is a very happy person. He is mentally stable. Yes, I see a pattern.

He wants to pick the band for our wedding and instead of trusting him to do it, I have put my checklist on him without telling him my rules or expectations.

He doesn’t know the budget or really how soon it has to be done.

And so, I nag, and I push, and I make it a miserable process. Because I have this glaring item, I cannot cross off my list! It’s just sitting there, reminding me of my failures…

But once I cross it off, I will feel whole. I will feel secure.

…right?

‘Wrong!’, says the self-aware control freak. ‘You will just fixate on something else!’

I’ve realized that my checklists drive me crazy and they’re not just affecting me anymore.

So, I have made a decision.

I am switching from pen to pencil.

Because a little less is at stake when you can erase something.

Take that, freak.

Originally published at http://emilybarbara.squarespace.com on May 11, 2021.