Act One: Twenty-Something Career Anxiety

I may need to stop listening to podcasts; yes, as a self-described junkie, it may be time to pull back.

When I first started listening to them, I was mostly focused on murder and history. (Don’t I sound delightful at dinner parties?)

My Favorite Murder Stuffed You Missed in History Class

As I aged, so did my tastes. I started to gravitate towards motivational, career-oriented podcasts.

How I Built This Ted Radio Hour Finding Mastery

I’ve become obsessed with Second-Act stories, whether it’s Julia Child starting her cooking career after leaving government service or Kendra Scott starting her jewelry business out of her guest room. There’s just something so hopeful about people saying ‘Screw you’ to convention.

But now? The thrill is starting to wear on me. It’s not that I don’t love these stories anymore, rather it’s the tailspin they send me into. Listening to Sara Blakely talk about inventing Spanx, I start looking around my apartment for inventions. My coffee grinder always makes a mess, maybe a contraption under it would be a huge hit?

No, Emily, the solution there is just to get a new coffee grinder.

But it happens over and over. Every time a podcast guest talks so whimsically about throwing her all into a now successful venture, my mind starts buzzing with ‘Could I do this? What about this? Maybe I gave up on that coffee grinder idea too easily…’

After this, comes a tide of worthlessness. A full-on tsunami of self-loathing, telling me I am so unoriginal, so talentless, I need to stop thinking that my Second Act is coming. I am just stuck in this sh*tty, Act One monologue.

These founders, they can gloss over their years of struggle in two minutes because they’ve reached the other side. But when you’re in it, with no end in sight, how do you stay sane? How do you make yourself feel valuable, like you’re going somewhere?

I realize it’s a luxury to lay around in agony over a lackluster career. It’s completely self-indulgent, because I am still succeeding. I am earning a paycheck which covers my rent and funds my 401k. I am winning.

Last year, I lost my job. It was simultaneously a hit to my ego and a huge relief, because I was quite unhappy in my role. I reached out to my first boss, who essentially made up a job at his organization for me and I was working again within a week. It wasn’t anything glamorous or part of my plan, yet I don’t think my parents have ever been so proud of me.

They said it showed I was a good worker; someone others were willing to go to bat for and that was more important than any job title.

And I will take comfort in that and remind myself that these successful people had to work hard, accept derailments, never knowing the outcome.

But still, I wonder…

Where the F*** is my million-dollar idea already?

Originally published at https://emilybarbara.squarespace.com on April 21, 2021.